1. Quarters are like gold.


2. Be creative in the dining hall.


3. Flip tops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.


4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.


5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.


6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos


7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.


8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)


9. Showers become less important.


10. Sleep becomes more important.


11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!


12. Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").


13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).


14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).


15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.


16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.


17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.


18. You begin to nap again (also not new).


19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.


20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?


21. Labs used to be fun.


22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.


23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.


24. E-mail becomes your second language.


25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.


26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.


27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.


28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.


29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.


30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.


31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.


32. Roadtrip whenever possible.


33. Pick up all new lingo.


34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.


35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.


36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.


37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.


38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.


39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.


40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.


41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.


42. It was never this bad when you got sick.


43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.


44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.


45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!


46. You'll learn more about male genital than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and excitement put together.


47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.


48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.


49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.


50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.


51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.


52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.


53. Disney movies are more than just classics.


54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.


55. You will hear more stupid..........

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1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.


2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.


3. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".


4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.


5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".


6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.


7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.


8. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.


9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"


10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.


11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"


12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.


13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".


14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"


15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"


16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.


17. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.


18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.


19. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".


20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.


21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.


22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.


23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.


24. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.


25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.


26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.


27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.


28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.


29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.


30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.


31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"


32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.


33. Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a signup sheet.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.


1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.


2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"


3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.


4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.


5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.


6. Bring cheerleaders.


7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"


8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.


9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.


10. Bring pets.


11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.


12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.


13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.


14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.


15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.


16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.


17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.


18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.


19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.


20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.


21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.


22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).


23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.


24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.


25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)


26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).


27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"


28. Comment on how